There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

SNAPPY ANSWERS (contributed by Bob Mitchell)

> Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

> Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

> Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No sir, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

> Snappy Answer(s) #5 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."The agent replied, "I'! m sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating,the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone."May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F***you! "Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

MUSINGS (contributed by Gary Sharpe)

1. CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
2. CFO: corporate fraud officer.
3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
11. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
12. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
13. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
14. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
15. WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
17. PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
   
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
   
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
   
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
   
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
   
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
   
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
   
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
   
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
   
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    
11. Is there another word for synonym?
    
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
    
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
    
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    

LANGUAGE TIDBITS (contributed by Mary Woods)

• The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all:
  "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
• Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
• The longest place-name still in use is
  Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai- wenuakitnatahu, a New Zealand hill.
• Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
• There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Almonds are members of the peach family.
• The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
• The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
• The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
• "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
• There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous":
  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is
  pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
• The only other word with the same number of letters is
  pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.