If I had a hi-fi
Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam
War, sir, is raw
Yo, banana boy!
Do geese see God?
Rise to vote, sir
Was it a cat I saw?
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Never odd or even
No devil lived on
A Toyota's a Toyota
No lemons, no melon
Now I see bees, I won
Race fast, safe car
Ah, Satan sees Natasha
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Ma is as selfless as I am
Nurse, I spy gypsies, run!
A man, a plan, a canal: Panama
A dog, a plan, a canal, pagoda
Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?
No, sir, away! A papaya war is on!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
I, madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I?
>Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir,I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
> Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
> Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
> Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No sir, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
> Snappy Answer(s) #5 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."The agent replied, "I'! m sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating,the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone."May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F***you! "Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
> Snappy Answer #6 A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow." A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class stifled their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student and said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Are You Ready?
It's the All New
HANK and JIM SHOW!
MUSINGS (contributed by Gary Sharpe)
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
23. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
You have the right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
(Attention linguaphiles: click here for)
RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
SOME THINGS TO PONDER (contributed by Nancy Nouss Brown)
GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES
More "tidbits" are on the way--so visit us again soon!